Date: 28 March 2019
Time: 10:30 a.m. (UP Red showed up 30 minutes late thanks to an unknown captain who forgot to look at the schedule).
Place: Heron Creek Golf Course and tennis facility
Jon Dietz and Peter Payer Versus Bob Burkhart and Jerry Henry • UP wins (6-1, 6-3)
Elliot Keyne and William Mutryn Versus Ed Gumm and Milton Grundlock • UP wins (6-1, 6-4)
Larry Giaimo and Mike Jazzar Versus Mack Carle and Glenn Miller • UP wins (6-1, 6-0)
Editor’s Note: Everything you are about to read is the absolute truth – I pinky swear it!
I could expound on the brilliant play of the six UP players who fought off hurricane force winds to demolish Heron Creek Blue, but there is a bigger story here.
Newly minted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez flew down from New York to watch the action. Apparently the sterling reputation of University Park tennis attracted the liberal fireball from Queens. Wow! We had to step up our game. A celebrity this big does not come around every week!
After we trounced Heron Creek, I (aka El Capitan) huddled the boys together.
“Guys, we have to show AOC just how much her presence means to us.”
“What do you have in mind, El Capitan?”
“Several weeks ago I concocted a song about AOC. I recommend we reconstitute the world famous UP Red Barbershop Quartet and we pay homage to this dazzling young lady.”
It only took five minutes for Keyne (Bass), Mutryn (Baritone), Payer (tenor) and Giaimo (a voicebox somewhere between Frankie Lymon and Tiny Tim) to change into white skimmers and pink tuxedos. Mike Jazzar volunteered to sit next to AOC so she couldn’t run away.
“What’s the song, El Capitan!’
“Boys, do you remember that old Queen song ‘We Will Rock You!’ Remember how the audience would stomp feet and clap hands – ‘stomp-stomp-clap, stomp-stomp-clap?’
“Rock On, El Capitan, just show us the lyrics!’
We sat AOC in a comfortable chair. She grinned like a Cheshire Cat.
And so the world famous UP Red Barbershop Quartet went into action!
“AOC, AOC, AOC come and dance with me!
“You used to work in a bar, where people threw darts…
“Now you are on a crusade against cows that fart…
“You claim that airplanes are a threat to the human race…
“But you flew down here and bragged about it on Myspace…
“You like hanging out with our moral betters…
“But you couldn’t spell dog if we spotted you two letters…
Stomp-stomp clap, stomp-stomp clap
Suddenly AOC was gone.
I asked Mike Jazzar what happened.
Mike intoned ‘She bolted out of here like Rin-Tin-Tin chasing a flying can of Alpo.’
I grew concerned. ‘Mike, do you think the song was a tad insensitive?’
Thus ended the 2018-2019 UP Red tennis season. It was a joy to work with all the great men who showed up every week and left it all on the playing fields of Eton. I look forward to next year. And you can count on all future newsletters having the same veracity as the ones previously published. No Fake News!